


So Brave And Quiet

by PrioritiesSorted



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 19:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2080896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrioritiesSorted/pseuds/PrioritiesSorted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She wondered if she would ever be sorry enough, and she knew she wouldn't. Her regrets, however strong, would never be enough to bring them back, smiling and laughing and sitting just a little too close."</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Brave And Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> So this started off as headcanons, but the more I think about Janet Macy the more I cry on the inside, so naturally I had to share my pain with you all. 
> 
> "You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering" - Earnest Hemingway.

Vicky Barnes was a pretty girl, Janet had always thought so; she was lively and talkative, even if she was sitting quiet as a mouse at the Macys' dinner table. Janet didn't blame her; with Rick and Bill deep in conversation about the afternoon's football match, neither woman had been able to do more than smile encouragingly when Bill made a (presumably hilarious) joke about Man City's goalie.

Janet tried not to think it was odd that Rick paid so little attention to his newly acquired girlfriend, presented like a prize at their door that evening. Whenever he'd brought the Walker boy round for tea, the two of them could natter until they were blue in the face, but friends were easier than girlfriends, she supposed, and Bill tended to have his supper on a tray whenever Kieren stayed. Janet tried not to think about Kieren when she looked at Vicky: all large brown eyes and blonde hair tinged red in the evening sunlight. She wondered if Bill had noticed that, too.

_Of course not. There's nothing to notice._

   


* * *

 

Rick broke up with Vicky a few weeks later, and when Janet asked him why he only shrugged,

"Never liked her that much t'begin with. 'Sides I think Ren's got a bit of a thing for her. He'd never say but... just don't tell Dad for a bit, yeah?"

He kissed her on the cheek, and she didn't tell Bill. Nor did she tell Rick that it wasn't Vicky that Ren Walker had feelings for.

 

* * *

 

Janet thought it was a wonder that all the shouting didn't wake Bill, kipping in his comfy chair with his tinny still in his hand. She couldn't hear what was being said, but one voice was definitely Rick's, raw in a way she'd never heard it before. The other sounded familiar too, but cracking with emotion, something private.

It stopped abruptly and Janet hurried to the door, opening it just a crack, afraid that Rick and whoever it was had started throwing punches. She was wrong, but she almost wished she wasn't; a punch up she could have handled. Instead, Rick has his hand pressed so gently against Kieren Walker's face, it was as though the boy was made of glass. Kieren's eyes seemed larger with tears brimming in them, and as the first drop spilled, Rick swept his thumb tenderly across Kieren's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Ren."

Kieren's hand looked tiny when he rested it on Rick's wrist, leaning into the hand that still cupped his cheek. It was odd to see Rick so still, so gentle.

"Don't, it's fine. I know your Dad... it's fine."

The sound of heavy footfalls behind her (as though Kieren's words had summoned them) made Janet start. She whipped around, almost shouting,

"Bill! I'm glad you're up. I was about to wake you to ask about these new forms the council have sent us. I can't make heads or tails of them."

She knew her voice was too loud, her smile too wide, but Bill didn't seem to notice, and Janet heaved a sigh of relief.

She didn't know exactly what it was she'd seen ( _you know full well, Janet Macy, you've known for years)_ but she did know that Bill needed to be kept as far away from it as possible.

 

* * *

 

She shouldn't have left the house that day, not when she was still seeing Rick's shade on every street corner, smiling at her as though he'd never left, and the past weeks had been some kind of nightmare.

But there was nothing in the house, and Bill was better, quieter, now when he had a few beers in him. The walk to the Save n Shop seemed to take forever when her legs (and arms, and head, and heart) felt like lead.

 She wished she could've avoided the graveyard. but there was no way into town that didn't pass by it. She was being silly, there was no fresh grave there, no new headstone with her son's name etched into it, but it was still there, reminding her. She turned her face away as she approached, but Vicar Oddie's deep, sonorous voice made her look up. The crowd surrounding the freshly dug grave was small, but they stood close together as the coffin was lowered into the earth. Vicar Oddie droned on, and Janet stared. Rick never got a funeral, Bill ever bore his son on his shoulder, giving him over to the familiar earth. Instead, they were forced to wait in some ceaseless limbo, longing for and dreading the inevitable knock on the door, and a uniformed stranger telling them the army had recovered Rick's body. His  _body._

The grave was slowly filled, the motion of the shovel oddly transfixing. Could she ever bring herself to let someone cover Rick in dirt? She didn't know how the mourners stood it. 

As the little procession made their way out of the graveyard, Janet's eye was drawn to a group of three in their midst. They looked like she felt: as though every step was a battle. If she didn't know better, she would have thought Steve Walker was blind; he stared blankly ahead, Sue guiding him down the path, eyes flicking between her husband and daughter. Jem stood apart from her parents, arms crossed so tight it was as though she feared she would fall apart. 

( _"Suicide." she'd heard Pearl whisper, next to the jams in the Save n Shop, "And no prizes for guessing why."_ _  
_

_"Terrible thing, that." Shirley had replied, shaking her head as she absently added a third jar of marmalade to her basket, "Terrible thing.")_

Jem's face was white and hard as she stomped past Janet, still standing on the edge of the graveyard because she could not will her legs to carry her away. Sue and Steve were walking towards her, and panic filled her for a few frantic seconds before she called, 

"Sue." 

Her voice was small and frayed (from crying and from lack of use) but Sue turned to her nonetheless, surprised. 

"Oh, hello Janet. We've just been..." 

Janet nodded as Sue's red-rimmed eyes filled with tears, her voice wobbling and disappearing into the wind. 

"I'm sorry." was all Janet could whisper, "I shouldn't have- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 

She didn't look back as she hurried from the scene, apologies still dropping from her lips. She wondered if she would ever be sorry enough, and she knew she wouldn't. Her regrets, however strong, would never be enough to bring them back, smiling and laughing and sitting just a little too close.

She would have stood Bill's fury a thousand times over with a smile if she and Sue Walker could hold their boys in their arms again. 

 

* * *

 

She couldn't pretend that part of her hadn't hoped for that visit. Still, she sat dumbstruck at her kitchen table, not knowing how to react. She hadn't been so happy in five years, nor so terrified. 

 

* * *

 

"Thanks for doing this, Mum." Rick muttered as she fiddled with the neurotriptyline gun, pushing the little bottle until she heard the click, just as Shirley had shown her. Rick's voice still sounded like a miracle, and she stroked his hair with her free hand. 

"It's no bother, love. Now turn around quick before your Dad gets back." 

Rick nodded and shifted on his bed, bending forward to give Janet access to the little black hole between his shoulder blades. Janet took a steadying breath before she pulled the trigger, heart beating rapidly as Rick began to shake beneath her hands. She threw the gun down on the bed and clutched him to her; though she'd been told that this might happen, that it was perfectly normal for a- for someone like Rick to respond this way, there was still a tiny, terrified part of her that wondered if it had all gone wrong, if the boy in her arms would look up at her with white eyes that didn't recognise her. 

She pushed the thought away and held him closer. 

 

* * *

 

She hated herself for mentioning it, but he had to find out at some point. Better that he heard it at home, she thought, rather than at the Legion or somewhere else, dropped into casual conversation. The sound of the bullets pelting the makeshift targets rang in her ears, and she retreated to the house, hands shaking and tears threatening to spill again.

it wasn't much work to persuade Bill to go out and get some more beers before they go out to the Legion ("Pearl's put those prices sky high recently, it's shocking"). As soon as the door slammed shut, Janet hurried to Rick's room. It still felt a little strange to knock quietly and turn the handle, knowing that when she did, her son would be on the other side. 

Rick sat straight on his bed, staring at the blank wall across from him. Even with the mousse covering his face, and the contact lenses in his eyes, she almost thought he looked dead. There was no expression on his face, and he didn't acknowledge her presence until she said his name, 

"Rick? I'm... I'm sorry about Kieren, love. I shouldn't have brung it up in front of your Dad but I thought you should- well I'll be in the kitchen if y'need me." 

"Yeah. Yeah thanks Mum." She didn't know if he'd even heard her, but she closed the door quietly behind her and left him alone.

 

* * *

 

She opened her mouth but no sound came out. She looked around for someone, anyone, who could help her: there was nothing but grey. 

She could hear someone shouting, a man, but everything was so far away. She couldn't think. 

It felt like a dream. It had to be. 

Had to be a dream...

 

* * *

 

 

Janet hadn't thought there'd be anyone else in the graveyard at this hour. The sun is only just staring to cast its bleak light over the landscape, and she has finally given up on sleep, choosing instead to trek across the fields to stand vigil over her son. She wishes they could have buried Bill somewhere else. She grieves as much for her husband as for her son, but she will never forgive him. The sight of the twin graves, lying side by side, seems wrong.  _Do they usually bury murder victims next to their killers?_

It's obvious which grave the skinny figure is looking at. Despite the brisk, cold wind he doesn't shiver, but stands as still as any statue to watch the freshly turned earth. 

He jumps when she steps up next to him, shifting away guiltily. 

"I'm sorry, Mrs Macy, I'll-"

"No. Stay, it's all right." 

He looks wary, but he shuffles back towards the graveside, eyes downcast. There are so many things she wants to say to Kieren Walker; she wants to blame him, to scream that he had taken her family away, but she knows that it was Bill who did that. She wants to tell him how much Rick had loved him, because she was sure Rick had never had the courage. She wants to ask him why it had to be her son, but she already knows the answer. 

So she says nothing. She takes his hand. 


End file.
